Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Colonel Popcorn’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Chapter 6

The cold wind blew through the empty streets, whipping Aziminil’s hair in front of her face. The group had set out to rescue Colonel Popcorn after breaking the door down in the safe house with Autumn and Cordelia. They hadn’t been too happy with them, and Aziminil felt kinda bad about it. Still, she couldn’t imagine Colonel all alone in some prison cell, so she forced herself to continue with only seven apologies. She was still pondering if the duo were still thinking about how rude she was. How could she go away with only seven? What barbarian was she turning into? Didn’t barbarians live in the wild? With squirrels? Maybe becoming one with nature and squirrels was a good thing! But before Aziminil could go through the logic, another bitter wind blew by. Wrapping her huge coat tighter around her body, Aziminil started to hum “Mary Had A Little Lamb.”

“Will you stop humming like a maniac?” Aniko turned abruptly to Aziminil, “You sound like a demented music box!”

“Oooh! I love music boxes! Isn’t that a good thing?” Aziminil hopped up and down, partly because of her excitement, partly from the cold.

“No! That’s a horrible thing!”

“But I like music!”

Her journal flipped open, Marigold waltzed over, “And why do you think that is?”

“Look, Marigold, will you stop with the therapist thing? You’re not helping anybody and are instead living in a false reality,” River glared up at Marigold.

“What’s a false reality?” Aziminil butted in, “Cause I asked Colonel once, and he said it was like pretending some things aren’t there, and so I was like, ‘Does that mean I’m living in a false reality when I talk to Romeo?’ and he was like ‘Romeo’s real so no’ and that made me feel a lot better cause I would hate to be making everyone up but I guess if I made Colonel up, of course he would tell me what I want to hear, so maybe–“

“SHUT UP!!!!” Aniko threw her hands up, “Why are you all so dumb?! Well, expect for you, River. C’mon, let’s ditch these dumbos already! Why do we still hang around them?”

“Cause of Colonel Popcorn,” River sighed. “Look, we’ve had this conversation too many times. Let’s just focus on- hey! Marigold, what are you doing?!”

“This store sells ice cream, and I’m hungry!” Marigold was frozen in her position, just about to throw a rock through the window of a store. “It’s not stealing if I leave money!”

“OOOH! I’m hungry too!” and Aniko took a different rock from the ground and chucked it through the window.

SMASH.

River was through the hole and at the cash register before you could say “ice cream.”

“Look at all this money!” River looked up from the piles of cash and gold to give Aniko a look of delight.

“Do I want birthday cake, or cotton candy?” Aziminil was standing in front of all the ice creams with a scooper in her hand. “Birthday Candy!”

“I want red velvet!” Marigold cried.

Moving to a table with heaping piles of ice cream in chocolate-covered cones, Aziminil and Marigold were immediately  high on sugar.

“Hey, I want some of the money too, River!” Aniko was trying to wrestle some of the money from River’s pockets.

I’m the one who picked the register lock, though. So, get the money!”

“That’s not how it WORKS!” 

“It’s how it works now.”

“What?! You can’t just decided! Gimme some’a da money!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“NO.”

“YES.”

“This is really good ice cream, Marigold!” Aziminil said with her mouth stuffed with melting desert.

“I agree!” Marigold smiled, “But do you think that’s a positive influence on your… um… mental state?”

“I have no idea what you mean by that!” Aziminil simply smiled at her.

“Interesting, interesting.” Marigold began to scribble randomly on her paper.

“Look,” Aziminil said, “Should you really been on duty now? While we’re eating ice cream? Just relax and take a break!”

“Hmmm. I guess I could spare a few minutes to take a break. It’s just, my job’s so important, y’know?”

Aziminil nodded her head professionally.

C’mon, give it here already!” Aniko yelled.

River snorted. “NO! It’s my money!”

“Technically, it’s the owner’s money, so, y’know, I could totaaaaally tell someone about… this whole night adventure.”

“Yeah, and get yourself arrested too? I don’t think so.”

Aniko stamped her foot. “GOD, you’re SO annoying! You know that, right?”

River simply ignored her.

“THAT’S IT!!” Aniko yelled, rushing River with her fists raised.

“OW, OW, OW!!! Fine, you can have some of the money! But I’m only giving it to you cause you’re my friend and you hit hard.”

“Y’know, I feel like I’m forgetting something important,” Aziminil ran her finger along the rim of her quickly depleting ice cream cone.

“OOH!” Marigold quickly whipped out her notebook, “That may be the root of our problem!”

Aziminil looked confused, “What problem?”

“It doesn’t matter sweetie. It’s a metaphor.”

“Y’know,” Aziminil continued, “I always get confused with metaphors. Colonel once said he could ‘kill two birds with one stone,’ and that would be really sad if he actually did it, so I started to cry and he told me it was a metaphor- or maybe an idiom, I don’t remember- and then launched into some detailed analysis of them and it really confused me so I stopped crying and started playing with my shoe till he realized I wasn’t paying attention and then I went to pick berries but I couldn’t find any, so then I was sad again but not sad enough to cry, and-“

“Wait! You’re going to fast for me to get all this down!”Marigold was scribbling indecipherable words on her paper.

“Oh, sorry. I forgot what I was saying anyway, so you can stop.”

“Aw.”

Aziminil glanced over at Aniko and River who were both laughing at some joke and doing some kind of money dance.

“I wonder where they got all that gold?” Aziminil asked Marigold.

“I don’t know,” Marigold shrugged.

“Darn it, I’m out of ice cream. I’ll be right back, I’m gonna get some more!”

Aziminil skipped over to the counter and swung herself over the tabletop. Surveying the ice cream flavors, she whispered them out loud to herself.

“Let’s see, there’s birthday cake, cotton candy, brownie, strawberry, mint chocolate chipmunk, pizza, barbecue, spinach, blueberry, fudge, vanilla, yogurt, popcorn… wait. Popcorn! GUYS! POPCORN! THAT’S WHAT I’M FORGETTING! COLONEL POPCORN!!”

“Oh, shoot! We totally forgot about him!” River smacked her hand to her forehead.

“I guess we should get going,” Aniko sighed.

“Yes,” River nodded her head, “We should definitely be going.”

Aziminil reached into her pocket. “Hold on a sec’,” she mumbled, “I’m gonna leave some money here. It doesn’t look like this place does very good business. There’s no money in the cash register.”

River and Aniko exchanged a smirk.

“Okay, I’m good! We can go!”

Aziminil and Marigold both raced out the door side by side. River, following them, quickly slide the money on the counter into her pocket.

Psst, Aniko,” she nudged Aniko’s waist, “Here.” Tiny gold coins slide into Aniko’s own pocket. Smiling, Aniko bumped River’s fist as they both headed out the door.

By this point, the sun was beginning to rise. It was early enough that the group saw the occasional person going to open shop, but most people were still in bed.

“I’m tiiiired,” Aziminil moaned, “When’re we going to bed?”

“Never,” River sighed, shoulders slumping at the complaints.

“Whaaaat?” Aziminil’s face fell, “But Romeo’s tired.” Aziminil held up her goldfish’s globe. Romeo was swimming with the same speed he always possessed, occasionally doing a flip or two. Aziminil marveled in his joy for long enough to have River stalk back and pull on her scarf.

“C’mon, we have to get to that castle up on the hill before Colonel gets turned into a lab rat.”

“Aww!” Aziminil smiled, “He would be adorable as a little mouse, wouldn’t he?”

“She said rat, Aziminil, there’s a difference,” Aniko groaned angrily, rolling her eyes.

Marigold turned to Aniko, “I’ve always wondered what that difference is, y’know? Do you?”

“No, I really don’t.”

“Don’t you ever have curiosity for your surroundings?”

“Nope.”

“Hmmmm. Interesting.” Marigold opened her notebook and started scribbling.

“Dear GOD, stop writing things about me!” Aniko cried. She reached down and swiped the journal from Marigold’s hands.

“HEY! NOOOOOOOO! THAT’S MY RESEARCH!” Marigold burst into tears as she tried to get pry Aniko’s gripe off her prized notebook.

“Aniko!” Aziminil gasped, “How could you do such a thing?!”

“Cause I hate having her write fake stuff about me! It really gets under my skin!”

“Guys, break it up!” River ran over to pry Aniko and Marigold off each other. “Just get over it, okay?”

“Get over it?!” sobbed Marigold, “Get over it?! That’s my life’s work she’s holding!”

“Really? Your life’s work?” River gave Marigold a pitying glance. “That tiny thing?”

“Well, I have a couple other completed journals, but… that one’s one of my favorites!”

“Fine, you can have your darn thing back if you give me five gold for it!” Aniko sighed.

“Only five gold? Wow, what a bargain!” Marigold brightened as she rooted through her coin purse. Her tears had cleared and she pushed her hand in front of Aniko with the money piled upon her outstretched palm. “That journal is worth so much more that I will happily accept your sale!”

“Wow, thanks!” Aniko took the coins and tossed the journal back to Marigold. “Dang, I should do that more often!” she muttered while putting her newfound money up.

The path they were following became steeper with every step. The party was heading up the hill to reach the looming stone castle. Aziminil gazed up at it, wondering if they got rid of Lux, would a princess take up the throne? Maybe I could be the princess! Aziminil thought.

By the time the party reached the top of the hill and saw the castle up close, they were all exhausted. Marigold immediately collapsed onto the ground and started to accidentally roll down the hill again. River lunged forward and grabbed the back of her shirt, trying to slow her down. Unfortunately, she was too small and she started sliding down with Marigold. Aziminil, who was panicking, started to throw rocks at them to “stop them from rolling away.” By the time Aniko managed to grab River’s shawl, the pair were both extremely bruised and, in River’s case, angry. Marigold and Aziminil both got a couple more bruises themselves from the angry halfling.

“How are we even supposed to get in here?” Aniko gestured toward the huge metal doors of the castle once everyone was upright again.

“Hmm,” River squinted at the locks on the doors. “Let’s see if there’s a back entrance with an easier lock to pick.”

As the party moved toward the back of the castle, Aziminil shrieked, “Look!”  and pointed her finger toward a smaller door. A sign that read “Employees Only” hung limply on a crocked nail.

“Here,” River slide in front of it, “Let me see if I can get it open.”

River started to wrestle with the lock, twisting her hands side to side. Aziminil’s shoulders slumped. “I’m booooored…. Oh! Squirrel! Ouch!”

Aniko had grabbed Aziminil’s scarf before she could run off anywhere.

River sighed. “This isn’t gonna work,” she turned to the rest of the group, “These guys put really good locks on these doors. Like, expensive locks. I could get it with more time, but….”

“Well, what are we supposed to do now?” Aniko groaned.

“I guess I’ll have to climb the side of wall,” River cocked her head.

Aniko snorted. “And how are you gonna do tha- oh.”

River had kicked off her boots and slipped on some black slippers instead. Putting one foot on the wall, she pulled herself up and stuck her other foot up above it. It stuck. Defying gravity, River began to scale the wall with each step.

“I forget she got those cool sticky shoes from that vampire!” Aziminil smiled brightly. On their last adventure, the group had invaded the home of a grumpy but nice vampire, and River had “stumbled” upon some interesting footwear.

“Stop calling them sticky shoes!” shouted River from the top of the wall. “They’re Slippers of Spider Climbing!”

“Do you think her attachment to that name has a deeper psychological meaning?” mused Marigold. “Maybe it’s an emotional substitute for unloving parents.”

“That makes no sense,” grumbled River, dropping the rope down onto Marigold’s head.

“Why are you throwing this rope down?” Marigold gazed up at River.

“So you guys can climb down, dummy. How else would you guys get up?”

“Oh, I guess that’s true for everybody else, but I,” Marigold pulled a black lump from out of her bag and started to unfold it, “have my own tricks!’

“Wait, Marigold it’s almost daylight–” Aniko began, for she knew what Marigold was about to do. In addition to River’s spider shoes, the vampire had owned a bat cloak that Marigold had taken. At night and only at night, she could fly like a bat. But the sun was quickly gaining height over the hill.

But it was too late. Marigold already had it on and was getting a running jump at the wall. She soared up into the air, but as she got higher, the rays of the sun grazed the tip of her cloak. The cloak began to steam, and Marigold began to fall as it completely stopped working. Ramming into the wall, Marigold cried out in pain and then slid down.

“Well, that was a dumb idea!” Aniko cried, stalking over to the limp body of Marigold. Nudging her with her foot, Aniko asked, “You still with us, Bat-Girl?”

Marigold groaned, “I… like that… nickname….”

“She’s fine!” Aniko called up to River, “Well, as fine as she can get….

“I don’t care!” River called back down. “Just come on up already!”

The group pulled themselves up and over the wall. They threw the rope down the other side when they got to the top, and then all climbed the rope on that side. Expect for River, that is.

“You guys are so slow!” she complained when everyone was finally on the correct side.

“Oh, no, I’m so sorry the rest of us don’t have cheat devices!” Aniko snarled.

River smirked. “You’re just jealous.”

“Where are all the guards?” Aniko turned in a circle. “I can’t see anyone guarding any doors.”

River cocked her head. “Hmmm.”

“Well, then- hey, wait. Where are Marigold and Aziminil?!” Aniko turned behind her.

River looked around. Marigold and Aziminil were crowded around a small shape by the wall.

“Guys, look!” Aziminil chirped happily, “We found Percy!”

“Colonel’s cat?” River cried, kneeling beside the sleek black cat.

Aniko walked over herself. “That’s probably bad. That he doesn’t have his cat?”

“We need to get Colonel Popcorn back,” River stood up again.

“I guess we just… go inside?” Aniko looked toward the door.

“Yep. That’s our only option. C’mon, Aziminil, Marigold, and I guess we should make sure Percy comes too.”

And so with Percy clutched uncomfortably in Aziminil’s arms, the party pulled the door open and crept through.

Colonel Popcorn shivered in the corner of the small cage where he, Sophia, Albert, and the quiet girl in the red hat were standing. The cage was in the middle of a short and sturdy metal table, sitting in a much larger room that contained several strange metal contraptions, a few more cages filled with terrified animals, and what looked like a large operating table. They had been in the cage for almost an hour, after the hand monster had brought them there. It was cramped and uncomfortable, and the room was incredibly cold.

As Colonel leaned against the wall, fiddling with a loose string on his shirtsleeve, the room’s heavy metal door opened with a crash. Colonel sat bolt upright with a start as a tall woman in massively intimidating high-heeled boots swept into the room. She had long brown hair and thick black goggles and sported a white lab coat that twirled around her knees. Sophocles the shark and the hand monster followed behind her.

“Ooh!” she said. “What nice subjects! You got me a child! And a drow elf!” She walked over to the cage and peered through the bars. As she got closer, Colonel could see that she wore a name tag that read:  “Hello, my name is: YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, SUCKERS!”

“Hello, subjects!” she said, grinning evilly. “My name is Lux, and I’m going to turn one of you into an ostrich monster.”

“HEY!” Sophia lunged forward and shouted at Lux. “LET US OUT!”

“YEAH!” Albert joined in. “You can’t keep us here!”

“Of course I’ll let you out. I’ve gotta experiment on you eventually.”

“Wait–” started Sophia.

“Speaking of which, it’s time to turn someone into an ostrich!” Lux clapped her hands happily and motioned the hand monster over. He pulled out a set of keys and unlocked the cell. Lux reached in and grabbed Colonel Popcorn by the back of his sweater. She roughly pulled him through the cage door, his glasses falling off in the process. Albert lunged at the door as Colonel fell out, but the hand monster reached up and tried to bite his hand and he instinctively recoiled.

“HOT DOG!” yelled Lux as the monster, who was locking the door again. “Don’t bite people until I’ve made them into ostriches. Now open that cage.” Hot Dog scuttled over to one of the other cages, which contained several miserable-looking ostriches, and began to unlock it.

“Sorry, yer horribleness,” he muttered. “Won’ do it agin, yer horribleness.”

Sophia picked Colonel’s glasses up off the floor of the cage. “Colonel would probably want these…” she said, reaching to throw them out between the bars.

But as she did, the girl with the red hat, who had been lying in the corner of the cage, suddenly sat bolt upright, as if she had an idea. She reached up and snatched the glasses out of Sophia’s hands. She snapped off one of the arms and moved to the front of the cage.

“Hey!” Sophia exclaimed. “What are you–“

The girl put a hand over Sophia’s mouth, putting a finger to her own lips as if to say “Be quiet.” Once she was sure Sophia wouldn’t speak, she moved her hand away and started poking at the lock on the door with the thin length of metal.

“What is she doing?” wondered Albert.

“I think she’s picking the lock!” Sophia whispered. “We just might have a chance of getting out of here!”

River peered around the corner of the hallway. “No monsters. We can keep going.”

“Ugh,” grumbled Aniko. “I’m tired of being so cautious. Why can’t we just kill any monsters we see?”

“Because there are so many! We’ve been here ten minutes and we’ve already seen almost twenty. If we made any noise, they’d swarm us.”

“Well, at least we’d have something to do. I have no idea where we are! This place is so big, we’ll probably get into a fight anyway before we actually find Colonel.”

“Maybe we should ask one of the animals for directions,” said Aziminil. “Like the kitty.”

“That was a barracuda with a lion head.” said Aniko. “It would’ve eaten you.”

“Yeah, what’s the deal with all the weird monsters?” wondered River. “do they just… roam around?”

“Well, I think they look very sweet and cute, and they would totally give us directions if we asked politely, and maybe we could even be friends!” Aziminil announced. Marigold nodded solemnly beside her.

“Or we could just beat them up until they tell us where Colonel is,” said Aniko.

River thought for a bit. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Hey, look!” exclaimed Marigold, pointing down the hallway. “I found some!”

A group of strange creatures was entering a room down the hall. One, a gigantic bee with bat wings and two crocodile heads, was holding a bowl of cookies. Another, a giraffe with a human head and torso halfway up its neck instead of a giraffe head, had a deck of cards. A panda head with insect legs and a pigeon with gorilla arms instead of wings followed. The party crept silently behind the strange creatures and looked through the door into a small sitting room.  It looked as if it had once been beautiful but now was in shambles. The delicate furniture was splintered and broken, the intricately woven rug was stained and torn, and the exquisite oil paintings upon the walls were shredded as if by long claws. The creatures sat around a three-legged coffee table in the middle of the room, and the giraffe started dealing out cards.

“We probably shouldn’t try to take them head-on,” whispered River. “It’d be one-on-one, but they look pretty tough. If we can draw one or two out, though, then maybe–“

“CHAAARGE!” shouted Aniko, rushing into the room. She pointed a finger at the giraffe creature and a bolt of ice shot from it, hitting it square in its (human) chest. It fell back with a shriek, but the crocodile-bee and the gorilla-pigeon both charged her. The panda head skittered, squealing, past the fight and out the door.

“Shoot,” muttered River, then, pulling out her dagger, raced behind the pigeon and sliced the inside of its elbow. It squawked angrily and fell to the ground, swiping at River with its remaining good arm as it did so, but she nimbly jumped over it and out of reach.

Meanwhile, Aniko was struggling with the bee monster, which was attempting to bite her with each of its crocodile heads. She grabbed one as it  snapped at her arm and used it to fling it violently across the room and into the far wall. As she did so, the giraffe centaur rose up behind her, wielding a chair leg. Aniko turned around as an arrow shot past her shoulder and into the creature’s chest, shot from Marigold’s bow.

“Yay!” she said. “Hole in one!”

“That’s not a hole in one,” said Aniko. “It’s a bullseye, stupid.”

“No, it’s not.”

“YES, it IS.”

“Whatever, guys, it doesn’t matter,” River waved her hand dismissively, “Even though Aniko’s right.”

“Riiiiiver!” Marigold moaned, “Why do you always side with An-“

But the pigeon cut her sentence short. A huge gorilla fist knocked Marigold off her feet, slamming her into the opposite wall.

“DARN!” Aniko cried, but as she turned to chase after her, the pigeon slammed its fist into her back, and she went flying after Marigold.

“HEY!” Aniko cried from her spot on the floor, “DON’T DO THAT!” She sent a bolt of frost toward the abomination, but it missed the pigeon and instead narrowly missed River.

“Hey!” River shouted, dodging the bolt. “Be careful!”

River slid a dagger from her belt and stuck it in the back of the pigeon. It screeched and then fell still.

River rushed over to Aniko and Marigold, kneeling beside them. “You all right?”

Aniko nodded her head, massaging a big bruise that had already formed on her shoulder. “I’ll live. It’s just a bruise.”

River turned to Marigold, but she seemed fine: River noticed her reaching for her crayons and notebook and knew what was coming.

“Come on, Marigold. Let’s not get into that now.”

“Awwww. Okay.”

River looked around the room. “Wait… did you leave any alive?”

“Nope!” said Aniko.

“How are we going to find Colonel then?”

Aniko and Marigold were silent.

Aniko suddenly looked up. “Wait. Where’s Aziminil?”

They all looked around. River’s shoulders sagged. “Why,” she muttered.

Marigold stood up. “Aziminil!” she called, but there was no answer.

“Great!” River cried, “Now we have TWO people to save!”

“Who’s the second one?” Aziminil stuck her head around the corner of the door.

“AZIMINIL. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN,” River turned to her.

“Aww, did you miiiiss me? That’s so sweet, River! I was just catching this guy!” and Aziminil dragged the panda head around the rest of the corner with her. It was struggling, twisting around in Aziminil’s arms, but she held it firm. It had Aziminil’s scarf jammed in its mouth, and it was clearly trying to spit it out.

“Yay! We can save Colonel now! Good job, Aziminil!” Marigold ran over to give Aziminil a high five. She stuck her hand up, and as Aziminil reached her hand up in response, the panda head squirmed out of her arms and ran toward the door. Luckily, River tackled the creature just before it made it out the door.

Stalking over to it, Aniko knelt down by River. Staring intently into its face, she said, “Where’re the prisoners?”

The panda replied somewhat reluctantly. “My lips are sealed shut. The master won’t be please with me if I set the fuzz on her!”

“We’re not the police,” River sighed.

“You’re not? Well, that explains your inconsistent uniforms! I thought y’all were just crappy police officers!”

“HEY!” Aniko called, “If we were police officers, we’d be great at it!”

“Okay, Random Head, this is beside the point!” River raised her hands as the two began to bicker. “We’re just here for our friend! Once we save him, we’ll be out your nonexistent hair.”

“I have hair! Just not very much!”

“You have fur. Now, where’re the prisoners kept?”

“I’m still not telling ya su- AAAH OKAY LET ME RETHINK THAT!!”

River had pushed the edge of her blade into the panda’s forehead.

“You wouldn’t want me to practice my lobotomy, would you?!” River’s voice was silky and dangerous as a small bead of blood glistened on the panda’s head.

“Okay, okay! That HUUUURTS! The prisoners are kept in the basement! It’s the jail, really! Our dungeon. That’s where your friend’d be if Master Lux hasn’t already started her experiments on your buddy! If she has– by the way there’s a rumor that we’re getting an ostrich-drow elf buddy– they’d be in one of the experiment rooms and–

“Oh no!” River paled. “Colonel’s a drow elf.”

“Oh, he’s the Colonel? Well why didn’t you say so? The guy’s probably just started the process! He’s in experiment room 27!”

Aniko and River both turned to look at each other. They both cursed. Then they both ran out the door, calling for Marigold and Aziminil to follow behind them.

Colonel Popcorn was lying on a cold metal table, trying very hard to swallow the lump in his throat. Everything was blurry; his glasses were still missing from his face. And he could barely turn his head, as it was strapped down tight to the table. He had tried to look over at his prison mates, but his head wouldn’t move that far.

Lux was bustling around him, pulling horrifying tools down from the wall and out of drawers. She had pulled a diagram of her plan for Colonel and the ostrich out and had now pinned it up on the wall. Colonel was desperately trying not to look at it: if he did, the lump was sure to burst. He was dimly aware of the ostrich strapped down next to him, who looked just about as miserable as he did.

Lux strode over to him. “Ready to get started?!” she said happily. “Oh, yeah, you’re probably not. Well, we’re gonna get started anyway!”

She rubbed her hands together eagerly, then pulled her first strange tool out of her box. It looked a little like a tool one might see at the dentist, but a million times worse. A yellow light buzzed and shook at the end, and Lux drew it closer to Colonel. The vibrations from it pulsed through his body, and Colonel flinched, trying to pull away from it.

But he still couldn’t squirm away, and Lux pushed the tool into Colonel’s neck.

A bright, searing pain filled him. It was all-consuming, blocking the rest of the world out. Colonel was blinded to everything else but his pain.

The pain didn’t subside quickly. It lingered, but didn’t worsen. Colonel slowly became dimly aware of loud sounds pulsing around him: yells and bangs. But he just lay there, waiting for the rest of the pain to come.

Instead, he felt someone pulling him off the table and shaking him violently.

“Colonel? COLONEL? Shoot, do you think he’s alright?”

“He’s alive, so let’s get him out of here before he isn’t!”

He felt himself being dragged out, then eventually hauled over someone’s shoulders. The sound of pounding feet filled him, and a rhythm of movement shook him. The pain was slowly leaving.

He felt himself being thrown down on the ground. Several voices filled his ears, all concerned and frightened.

“Oh, do you think he’s okay? Should I give him my special healing candy?”

“Aziminil, that’s not healing candy. Shut it! Geez, he really doesn’t look okay though.”

“Anyone got healing spells or something?”

“Oh! I do! No, wait that’s candy again.”

“AZIMINIL.”

“I wish I had something. I used to, but Lux took it when we got caught!”

“Same here.”

“I could give him therapy?”

“He’s unconscious, MARIGOLD, that’s the point!

“WAIT! I got healing spells!”

“Give it to him!”

“Okee-dokee!”

Colonel, who hadn’t really been acknowledging what anyone had been saying, now felt healing energy wash through him.

There was a brief moment of silence.

“Colonel?”

It was a tentative voice; one with worry. It slowly dawned on him who it belonged too: River.

He groaned. “Ouch.”

River gave a choking laugh. “Thank goodness,” he heard her mutter.

A thin piece of metal was being pushed onto his face, and when he gently cracked open his eyes, he realized it was his glasses. He was surrounded by people. River was kneeling in front of him, and Aniko was next to her, a hand on her shoulder. Aziminil was to the River’s left, shiny colorful wrappers full of candy clutched in one hand, her other out stretched to cast her spell. Marigold was to Aziminil’s left, Purrcy balanced on her shoulder, and she had her journal flipped open and her hand poised over it to write. On the other side of the cluster, to Aniko’s right, was Sophia. She had her hands clasped together, her knuckles white. Albert was next to her, hands pressed down on his knees. Finally, standing over River was the girl in the red hat. They all had very concerned looks on their faces.

“Wait.” Colonel Popcorn stared at Aziminil and Aniko. “When did you come out of the portal?! What happened?”

“Oh,” River shrugged, “They came back soon after you left. If they’d have come back sooner, we technically wouldn’t even be in this situation!”

“Hey, it’s not our fault!” Aniko huffed.

“Wait, what? What portal?” Sophia turned her confused gaze to them.

“Don’t worry ’bout it,” River waved her hand dismissively.

“We fought a cute misty guy in a golden cave of magical squirrels and then jumped through a swirly blue thing and rolled down a hill like a superhero and then-“

“No need to tell them your whole life story, Aziminil!” River threw her hands up.

“Oh! Do you want me to do that? Well, I guess I should start with the day I was born, it was April-“

Colonel righted his head, which had rolled limply to the side of his shoulder. His neck hurt. “Ouch,” he muttered again.

Sophia swallowed, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Colonel lied. “Thanks.”

River raised her eyebrow ever so slightly: Colonel could tell she didn’t buy it. To Colonel Popcorn’s relief, however, she let it go for now.

“Okay people! The first thing I think we should establish is that we should just straight up leave,” River said. “No valiant-hero-save-the-town thing where we ride them of Lux. She’s already almost got Colonel, I say it’s too risky to try and save anyone else.”

“No,” Sophia said, “I think we have a chance to save other people and I think we should.”

“Sophia, are you crazy?!” Albert exclaimed. “We’ll get ourselves killed! We need to leave!”

“I wanna help!” said Aziminil. “We need to save the cute animals.”

“No we don’t,” said Aniko. “I think we should burn this place to the ground.”

“It’s a castle,” replied River. “It’s stone. You can’t burn it.”

“I wanna save cut animals too, guys!” Marigold pipped up.

“No one cares, Marigold!” Aniko sighed.

“Stop!” Colonel Popcorn threw his own hands up. “I vote that we stay and take down Lux.”

Sophia beamed alongside Aziminil and Marigold. Albert, Aniko, and River, however, seemed a bit sulky. But, with Colonel Popcorn’s word, the party backed off the subject.

“Geez, Colonel, you had us scared there!” Aniko stood and stretched. “I’m glad your not an ostrich hybrid. Now, while I’m sorry to break up this touching reunion,” Aziminil had lunged over to give Colonel a choking hug, Marigold piled on top of both of them, “we need to get moving.”

“Where are we, exactly?” Colonel said once Marigold and Aziminil were off him.

“Well,” Albert began, “it looks like a kitchen.” As Colonel Popcorn looked around, he noticed Albert was right. The kitchen was huge: it looked as though it had once been magnificent but was now reduced to ruins. The pantry had been raided of food, and all that was left were some stale crackers and moldy cheese. The tap was leaking: a dripping noise was ever persistent and annoying. Cobwebs linked all the counters together and filled the empty spaces of the corners. Dust had settled down on all the surfaces, coating everything is a gray blanket. Dust motes even floated through the air, making it stuffy and constricting.

“And how’d we get here?”

“After Lux took you from the cage,” Sophia jumped in, “your glasses, as I’m sure you know, fell off. I was gonna give them back to you, but Red– that’s what Albert and I are calling this little girl we’ve spent our time with ’cause of her hat– pulled off one of the arms and used it to pick the lock! It was really incredible! Then, when Lux… started the whole process thing, we pushed open the cell doors and tackled her. Kinda.”

“This is also when we showed up,” said River.

“We took the guards and helped overpower Lux,” Aniko explained.

“Then we skaddadled like chickens!” Aziminil jumped in.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” River sighed. “We ran away with you to a safer location, and now we should really work on a plan of escape.”

Aniko broke a leg off a discarded table and pushed it through the handles of the two doors leading to the kitchen. She then propped two chairs in front of them. Albert and Sophia went to have a look at a second door on the other side of the room. Aziminil and Marigold went over to the crackers and began eating them. Red followed them, laughing as she went. River turned to Colonel.

“Are you sure you wanna stay and take down Lux? I still think it’s a horrible idea.”

Colonel took a deep breath, and, though it looked like it pained him to do so, said, “I’m sure. We’re staying, and we’re gonna rid this town of Lux once and for all.”

Art done by SquirrelHat

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