Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Colonel Popcorn’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Chapter 4

River felt oddly at peace, floating down through the blue mist of the portal. It felt cool and accepting. She had the urge to close her eyes. She felt the mist wrap around her wounds, aching muscles, and scratchy throat. Suddenly, all the pain she had felt just a few seconds earlier left her body, the mist seeming to guide it out of her. River smiled as she floated in the cool steam, hoping that it would never end. Her eyes drooped shut, and River gladly accepted the darkness. She found herself losing consciousness, but she didn’t fight it.

Just as she finally slipped into a peaceful sleep, she felt a rush of cool air against her face. She sensed the kind mist thinning and easing her out of the peaceful world she had just entered. Her eyes opened for a split second before she closed them again out of reflex; she was falling. She braced herself for impact, pushing her arms up in front of her face and rolling into a ball right before she hit the ground.

Fortunately, the ground wasn’t too far away from where she had fallen. Still, she felt the impact harder than she had expected. She rolled instinctively, trying to catch herself. But she had landed on a slope, so she simply kept rolling and rolling, head over heels again and again. She couldn’t tell where she was, and opening her eyes only made her sick, so she kept them tightly shut. She finally came to a stop as her head rammed into something hard. She tumbled over it, and her head hit the ground again. There she sprawled, her head pulsing with pain. She thought about moving, but her head really did hurt. So she just stayed there, waiting for the pain to pass.

As River lay trying to think of anything but her aching bruises, she heard the stomping of boots pounding toward her. It made her world vibrate and her head hurt even more. Didn’t they know they were only making her pain worse? She tried to ignore them, which proved particularly difficult when they stopped right next to her and spoke.

“River? River?!”

River didn’t really want to respond, but felt obliged to. Coming to a compromise with herself, she simply groaned.

“Oh my god, River are you okay?! Please tell me you’re okay!”

She felt hands frantically checking her for wounds. Extremely annoyed, River pushed them away, “Get off!” she muttered.

“Oh, thank god! Are you alright? What happened? Where are Aniko and Marigold?”

River groaned again, slowly pushing herself upright. Her eyes were still held shut; opening them seemed like accepting that she was back to reality, far away from the beautiful mist.

“What?” she groaned.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look okay.”

River sighed, finally opening her eyes to glare at Colonel Popcorn.

“Okay, okay! Sorry!” he said, holding up his hands in surrender.

River rubbed the back of her head, which had been hit twice. It hurt. She was happy to find no blood, though that didn’t stop the aching pain.

“River?”

“What?”

“Where are Aniko and Marigold?”

“What? They’re not here?” River probably would have been more enthusiastic if her head didn’t hurt so much. Then again, maybe not.

“No!” Colonel’s voice had the clears signs of a nervous breakdown. River held back a sigh and instead put her hand on Colonel’s shoulder.

“They’re almost certainly fine,” she said, hoping he couldn’t tell she was lying.

“Y-you think?”

“Would I lie to you?”

A moment’s pause.

“Probably?”

River sighed again. She slowly stood up, using the rock next to her to help.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Colonel asked River as he watched her trying to stable her shaking body. “‘Cause you looked like you hit your head kinda hard, and if you have a concussion that’s sorta really… bad… n-never mind,” he trailed off, silenced by River’s glare.

Once she had steady herself and could stand on her own without the rock, River asked, as firmly as she could, “Now, start over. What’s happened? What do you mean ‘Where are Aniko and Marigold?'”

Colonel, giving River another concerned look, sighed. “It’s… kind of a long story.”

“Get going then,” River commanded.

“So, it all started when I pushed Aziminil into the portal,” Colonel began. “As we fell through, there seemed to be this… weird blue steam. It was really nice in there. All my wounds seemed to heal. But then we came out. It was almost like coming out of a trance. Anyway, it took us a little while, but we eventually both stood up, collected our thoughts, and made a plan. Well, really it was me making a plan and Aziminil playing with butterflies. Basically, I decided to stay here, just in case you followed us.

“I didn’t want to move, just in case you did come after us and we weren’t here. But we had been here a while without you showing up, so I set up camp on the top of the hill. I also did a little bit of scouting. There’s a town just over there. We could’ve stayed there, but I didn’t want to miss you guys. I was so worried! I mean, I thought you had gotten hurt! Or worse.” His shoulders slumped.

“Wait,” River interjected, “How long have you been here?”

“For about a day now. Why?”

River stared at him. “I jumped in the portal right after you,” she said, “Like thirty seconds later.”

There was a moment of silence. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Then… then that means Aniko and Marigold could be okay! Maybe the portal shoots you through time, or something.”

“Uh, that’s not okay? They could end up years in the future! Or in the past, and we’ll find out they’ve been dead for years. We’ll go into town and see their graves.”

Colonel blanched.

“Oops…” River muttered.

“I-I’ve gotta go! You stay here! I’m gonna go check the localgraveyardwatchAziminilBYE!” And with that, Colonel Popcorn was gone, running over the hill River had just recently rolled down.

“Wait!” River tried to call Colonel Popcorn back, but it was a useless attempt. Her best friend was already gone. She have would gone after him if it weren’t for her recent tumble. “Great,” she huffed, taking a tentative step forward. “Now not only did I traumatize Colonel, but I have to watch Aziminil! Just great!” It only took River about three and a half minutes to regain her confidence, and she was walking smoothly in no time.

She reached the top of the hill where she had appeared. Before her stretched a set of ancient stone ruins from ages past. Behind a crumbling wall she could see a large statue of a rune-inscribed ring held by two stone hands– another portal. In front of the ruins was a small wooden sign that read “Lessum Ridge Castle. Tours 11:00-6:30. Ruins unstable. Do not enter without a guide!” She ignored the sign and rushed over to the portal. It was completely still: no swirling colors, no rushing winds, and no Aniko or Marigold.

No Aziminil either. She should probably find her. River sighed.

“AZIMINIL!” She shouted, her voice echoing across the empty hills. “WHERE ARE YOU? GET BACK HERE NOW!”

After a few seconds of silence, she heard the pounding of feet. River sighed again. She had to admit that a little part of her was hoping Aziminil wouldn’t respond, that she’d be in town or somewhere else far away, and River could take a nap instead of babysitting her.

“RIVEEEEERRRRR!!!” Aziminil’s voice suddenly came from River’s right. She ducked, just in time to avoid Aziminil’s attempted hug; she didn’t know if her head could take another hit.

“RIIIIVER!! I FOUND YOU!!! Colonel will be so happy! I’m gonna go get him! I’ll be right baaaaack!”

“Oh no you WON’T!” River reached up and pulled the scarf off Aziminil’s neck.

“Nooo! That’s my scarf!”

“Okay, Aziminil, Colonel already knows I’m here. I’m supposed to watch you, make sure you don’t get bitten by a poisonous butterfly or something.”

“There are POISONOUS BUTTERFLIES?!

“Forget I said anything!” River shouted.

“Forget what?” Aziminil asked.

“This is gonna be a long day, isn’t it?” River muttered into her hand.

“You can have different lengths of days?” Aziminil’s eyes widened, “I heard Colonel say that once, but when I asked him he said no.”

River just sat down.

So did Aziminil.

Silence.

For about 23.7 blessed seconds.

“So, how was your day? Mine was great! I was sitting there at breakfast when I saw a squirrel, or at least I thought I did, but in the end it turned out to be a rock, but that isn’t the point of this story, the point of this story is when I chased after the bug that landed on my sandwich that I was having for breakfast and I don’t know why because it’s breakfast, not lunch but I did it anyway, so I chased after it, I’m not really sure why ’cause I didn’t want to kill it, so I ran a whole bunch and…” River sighed and tried to block out the rest of the story.

Meanwhile, Colonel Popcorn was racing over the hills. His heart was pounding from fear and general exercise, but he kept going. The thought of Aniko and Marigold lying in a grave, cold and unmoving, made Colonel shiver. It felt like an eternity to him before he finally reached the town entrance, though really it had only been about twenty minutes.

He stood panting beside the oaken double doors of the town gate. The closed double doors. Why were they closed? It wasn’t that late.

It didn’t matter. He had to find the graveyard!  Colonel knocked on the door. Maybe someone would answer?

A few seconds later, the doors began to creak open. The hinges squealed and shrieked. Colonel looked between them. Slowly coming into view were two people, clothed in matching uniforms. The first was a woman with long dark hair pulled up in two buns and a kind dark face. The second was a man with curly hair and a pale frown. Together, they were pulling open the double doors. When they were finally open, they stood and stared at each other.

The girl was the first to break the silence.

“Who’re you?”

“I’m… Colonel Popcorn?”

“Did you hear that, Albert? He has a name and everything!”

“Of course, Sophia, everyone has a name!” the other guard rolled his eyes.

“Not that stray puppy I found,” Sophia put her hands on her hips and glared at Albert. “He had no name until I gave him one! And now Sir Puppyingstin has found a home!”

Colonel had to stifle a laugh. Albert rounded on him, glaring. Colonel shrunk away from him.

“What’re you laughing at, buddy?

He spoke “buddy” with such force that Colonel briefly thought it was raining. It was actually spittle. Wiping the spit off his cheek, Colonel stuttered, “N-nothing! Absolutely nothing!”

Good! Because for a moment I thought you were LAUGHING. AT. MY. SISTER!”

“N-no! That was most certainly not the case, uh, g-good sir!”

“Come on, Albert!” admonished Sophia. “Don’t scare him away!” She turned to Colonel Popcorn. “So, we know your name’s Colonel Popcorn, but what are you doing here? We never get visitors ever since Lux the Evil One should up. Oh! Are you here to rid us of her evil reign? You are a Colonel, after all! What did you do to get that title, anyway?”

Overwhelmed, Colonel answered the only question he could really answer. “I-it’s just a nickname.”

“Aw….”

Sophia sounded genuinely disappointed, and Albert looked genuinely mad at Colonel for disappointing her, so he hurriedly added, “B-But I was really close to getting the official title! So maybe I can help with… whatever you were just talking about?”

Sophia brightened, “That would be so great! Thank you sooo much!”

“Wait, I haven’t agreed to it just yet-“

“So, here’s the deal,” Albert plowed on over Colonel’s words. “We have a problem with an evil scientist.”

“A real one?”

Albert stopped for a split second, looking at Colonel as if he were the dumbest person he’d ever met.

“Sorry–“

“She lives up on that hill in the abandoned castle. If you’re a Colonel like you really said, you should be able to deal with her.”

Colonel felt another panic attack threaten him. His knees started to wobble, and he looked around for River for emotional support. Then he remembered that she wasn’t here with him: she was watching Aziminil while he went to check the local graveyards.

“Oh, crap!” he cried, “Excuse me, maybe I can help you later, but I need to check something in your town!”

“Check? Our town?” Sophia asked.

“Yes! The graveyards! W-wait! Have you ever heard of two people named Marigold and Aniko?”

They both stared at him for a moment before Sophia said, “I think I’ve heard of an Aniko, but I’m not sure. If there was one, she’s certainly dead by now!”

The insides of Colonel’s stomach turned to ice.

“I’ve gotta go now!” he exclaimed. “I need to see her gravestone!”

“Oh, yeah of course!” Sophia said, still cheery, “They’re arranged in alphabetical order, so it shouldn’t be to hard to find!”

“Thank you– wait, alphabetical order? How does that even work? Whatever, I don’t have time!”

“I hope you find her!” Sophia called behind him, “Or don’t? I’m not really sure what you’re hoping to gain from this. Anyway, if you find the gravestone but the dirt’s been dug up and there’s no body, just tell someone!”

This last comment probably would have had a bigger impact on Colonel Popcorn if he was actually paying attention to her words. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t even hear her last shout as he bolted away:

“Oh! AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T STAY OUT AFTER SUNSET!”

But Colonel was gone, running toward the graveyard. Hoping upon hope that he wouldn’t find his two lost friends.

The sun was nearly gone by the time Colonel reached the graveyard. Huffing and puffing, he surveyed the rows of tombstones stretched out in front of him.

“Oh my gosh…” he stood, his hands on his knees, trying to suck air into his exhausted lungs.

Finally pulling himself to together, he began to walk between the rows, trying to find an ”Aniko.” Strangely enough, not only were the graves arranged in alphabetical order, but they were done so by first name, not last.

“Whatever,” Colonel muttered to himself, “This town is weird. The sooner I get out of here, the better!”

Since Aniko came pretty early in the alphabet, it didn’t take long to find where her tombstone would be. Heart pounding, Colonel bent down and slowly read the name on the plaque.

“Aniko… Buckleta.” Colonel Popcorn sighed; it wasn’t her. To rest his guilty conscious and to simply make sure, he searched for a Marigold as well. He found a Davidson, a Pucklington, an Olson, and a Fulvionting, but luckily no Monroe.

By the time Colonel Popcorn finished his search and was heading back to the gate, the sun had  disappeared beneath the horizon. Colonel Popcorn was walking through the city square when he realized that he was the only person outside. Stopping short, his heart began to beat faster. This was a bustling village. There should definitely be more people out here. While Colonel Popcorn was debating his options (Should he run? Should he investigate?), he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned around quickly, only to find nothing. His breath quickened. He started to walk faster, towards a bar just across the square.

When he was about halfway across, something landed on his head. It was small, about the size of a raccoon.

“AAAHHH!” shrieked Colonel. The thing whacked him on the head with a big stick. “Ow! What are you–” It hit him again. “Ow! What are you doing?”

He tried to grab it, but it fluttered out of reach and onto a lamp post, where it was bright enough for Colonel to get a good look at it. The creature seemed to be an eyeball with huge, muscular legs and bat wings. Colonel gasped.

“You’re out past curfew!” it said. It had no mouth, but somehow a deep voice seemed to emanate from its lone eye. “That means we can abduct you!”

“Wait– abduct me? But I didn’t know there was a curfew!”

“Too bad, so sad, buddy!”

“Hey!” someone shouted from across the square. Colonel turned around, hoping for someone who could help.

He saw the exact opposite. Another creature sat atop a different lamppost. It was similar to the first, but it had scrawnier, stick-like legs and no wings. Curled shyly around its feet was a beast that looked like a cross between a house cat and an eel, crackling with electricity.

“Hey! Less talking, more abducting!” the second eye-beast shouted at its companion.

“Sorry.” And with that, the beast jumped back onto Colonel’s head.

Meanwhile, Sophia and Albert were eating in the bar Colonel had previously sought shelter in. Albert was in the middle of complaining about being stuck in a random bar for the night because of the stupid curfew when Sophia suddenly shushed him.

“Did you hear that?” she murmured.

“Nope,” said Albert. But Sophia wasn’t listening; she had already ran to the window that was attracting a small crowd of curious patrons.

“Albert!” she gasped. “It’s that guy from the gate– the Colonel! He’s being attacked by those goons!”

“How tragic,” he muttered. “He should’ve listened to your instructions.”

“But we have to help him! He said he was going to help us– we can’t just leave him!”

“Yes we can. It’s not like he’s actually–” he stopped. “Sophia? Sophia!”

For Albert’s sister was already opening the door, spear in hand. “I have to help him! He’s gonna get taken!”

“Sophia, wait! This is stupid!” But she was already out the door. “Sophia! Ugh, stupid Colonel!” He grabbed his spear and ran after her.

“Aw, come on, Colonel!” Sophia complained once she was outside. “What did I tell you?”

“He’s a goner! Like I said!” Albert cried.

Sophia ran to wrestle the creature off of Colonel Popcorn anyway.

“AAAH!” Colonel shrieked.

“YAH!” yelled Sophia, attempting to stab the creature on Colonel’s head with her spear. It fluttered out of the way and then went back to bludgeoning Colonel Popcorn.

“Come on! More people? When will this stupid town learn?” The stick-legged demon huffed. “Alastor, are you hitting him with a stick? Come on, man, I gave you a sword! What did you do with it?”

The muscular-legged eyeball, apparently named Alastor, sighed and muttered, “I lost it….”

“IDIOT! And speaking of idiots…” The stick-legged eye turned to glare at the eel-cat, who was still curled around the lamppost next to him. “Are you even gonna help, A7B1?”

“Her name’s Seven, Abracus,” Alastor muttered (for he was secretly very found of Seven).

“Murrrup!” Seven chirped, slithering through the air to join the in fight.

“Oh, good,” Abracus muttered sarcastically. “Here she goes, gonna join the fight for once!”

Meanwhile, Albert had reluctantly decided he was going to help his sister defend Colonel and had jumped into the fight himself. Now there were three people and one demon doing actual fighting, so the tables seemed to have turned in their favor.

“Ouch!” Alastor moaned, having just been hit by the butt of Sophia’s spear. “Seven, help!”

“Meoooow!” mewled Seven. She glided over towards Albert.

“Oh no ya don’t!” Sophia cried. She stabbed her spear at Seven’s face, knocking her off course.

“No! Seven!” Alastor hit his stick as hard as he could on Sophia’s head.

“Ow!” Sophia turned around to attack Alastor again. Unfortunately, Seven had taken this opportunity to creep up to her leg. Her fur suddenly stood on end, crackling with electricity, coursing up Sophia’s body.

“AHHH!” Sophia stiffened, then went limp and fell to the ground, unconscious.

“NO!” Albert cried, dropping his own spear and running to Sophia’s side, “No, no, no, no! We’ll get you outta here, Sophs! Don’t worry!”

But while Albert was trying to move Sophia’s limp body away from the battle, Abracus pointed and snapped his fingers at him. He too fell into unconsciousness, dropping Sophia in the process.

“Oh, no!” Colonel Popcorn turned to see his two companions out cold. “Oh no, this is bad!”

“You know, why don’t you do the finger thing more often?” Alastor asked, hitting Colonel Popcorn absently with his stick. “It looks cool and it works really well.”

“Well, I can’t do all the work myself, now can I?”  Abracus huffed. ” I only have so many spell slots. And you two need to help too! Now, focus on your task! I’ve taken out one and so has A7B1! It’s your turn now.”

Colonel Popcorn fought desperately, but he had little hope. It wasn’t really a surprise when he felt the stick slam into his head like a falling rock.

Colonel Popcorn saw the corners of his world go dark, and he felt his body fall to the ground. The last thing saw before completely losing consciousness was the lone eye of Alastor staring down at him.

Art done by PotatoCat

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