How River Stole Christmas
Every Who
Down in Who-ville
Like Christmas a lot…
But River
Who lived just north of Who-ville
Did NOT!
River hated Christmas! The Holiday season!
Now, really, don’t ask why. Not a soul knew the reason.
It might simply be that her shawl was too tight.
It might simply be that she hated the lights.
The real reason, however, that she was a rot,
Was Santa broke into houses while River could not.
But,
Whatever the reason,
Her shawl or the lights,
She stood there hating the Whos on every Christmas Night.
Staring down from her cave with a sour, Butterball frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For she knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was currently busy, with mistletoe wreaths.
“And they’re hanging their ornaments!” her smile disappeared.
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”
Then she snarled, with her Butterball fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
For,
Tomorrow, she knew
…All the Who girls and boys
Would wake before sun rise. They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing she hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Whos, old and young, would sit down to eat.
And they’d eat! And they’d eat!
And they’d EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT!
They would eat on Who-waffles, and rare Who-cat-bacon
Which, thought of as food, she thought Whos were mistaken!
And THEN
They’d do something
She liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with carol bells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!
They’d sing! And they’d sing!
AND they’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more River thought of this Who-Christmas-Sing,
The more River thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why for twenty-eight years I’ve put up with it now!
“I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!
…But HOW?”
Then she got an idea!
An awful idea!
RIVER
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” River laughed in her throat.
And she made a quick Santy Clause hat and a coat.
And she chuckled, and grinned, “What a great River trick!
“With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!”
“All I need is a reindeer…”
River looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop sneak River…?
No! River simply said,
“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”
So she called Aziminil. Then she took some red thread
And she tied a big horn on top of her head.
THEN
She loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And she hitched Aziminil.
Then River said, “Go now!”
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Whos
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Who’s were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When she came to the first little house on the square.
“This is stop number one,” sneak River Clause hissed
And she climbed to the roof, empty bags in her fist.
Then she slid down the chimney, not really a pinch,
For, if Santa could do it, River sure wouldn’t cringe.
She didn’t even get stuck once, twisting in a corkscrew.
Then she stuck her head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who stockings all hung in a row.
“These stockings,” she grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and she took every present!
Slippers! Sheep bladders! Strange snow globes! Cloaks!
New Kazoos! Three-pieced flutes! Cards! Artichokes!
And she stuffed them in bags. Then River, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!
To the fridge to take food, as part of the break in.
She took the Who-cherries! She took Who-cat-bacon!
She cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, River even took their last can of Who-hash!
Then she stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
“And NOW!” grinned River, “I will stuff up the tree!”
And River grabbed the tree, and she started to shove
When she heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
She turned around fast, and she saw a tall Who!
Tall Colonel Popcorn Who, who was much more than two.
River had been caught by this nervous Who son,
Who’d got out of bed at the sound of someone.
He stared at River and said, “Butterball, why,
“Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?”
But, you know, that River was so smart and so slick
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!
“Why, my Colonel Popcorn,” the sneaky River lied,
“There’s a light on this tree that won’t light on one side.
“So I’m taking it home to my workshop, my friend.
“I’ll fix it and send it back for the weekend.”
And this fib fooled the man. River patted his head
And she got him a drink and sent him to bed.
And when Colonel Popcorn went to bed with his cup,
SHE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last think she took
Was the log for their fire!
Then she went up the chimney, herself, the small liar.
On their walls she left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food
That she left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then
She did the same thing
To the other Whos’ houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Whos’ mouses!
It was quarter past dawn…
All the Whos, still a-bed
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When she packed up her sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! Extra money! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
She rode with her load to the tiptop to dump it!
“Ha-ha to the Whos!” she was River-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now that now Christmas isn’t coming!
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
“Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!
“That’s a noise,” smirked River,
“That I simply MUST hear!”
So she paused. And River put her hand to her ear.
And she did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
She stared down at Who-ville!
River widened her eyes!
Then she started!
What she saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the small and the tall,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
She HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And River, with her River-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood thinking and thinking: “How could it be so?
“It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
“It came without packages, boxes or bags!”
And she thought three minutes, till her feet were sore.
Then River thought of something she hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” she thought, “doesn’t come from a store.
“Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more!”
And what happened then…?
Well… in Who-ville they say
That River’s normal heart
Did nothing much that day!
And the minute she realized this huge delight,
She took her huge load in the bright morning light,
And dumped it all off of the tall side of Mt. Crumpit!
And she…
…SHE HERSELF…!
Was happy to cause pain to everyone else!
Majority written by PotatoCat. Ideas contributed by SquirrelHat. Illustrations done by SquirrelHat. Based off (and huge portions are the same as) of Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas.