Chapter 8
Colonel Popcorn’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Chapter 8
The massive ship loomed above their own, towering into the sky like a dark storm cloud. It had been an surprisingly uneventful trip, with clear skies and soaring hearts. That was, until both River and Aniko got bored and Colonel started to worry about their supplies.
“It just makes me worried!” he moaned on their eighth day of travel, a little over halfway there. “What if we run out and starve?!”
“We’ll be fiiiiine!” Aniko had shrugged while she and River threw some of their pumpkin seeds off the side of the boat to see who could throw them the farthest and to attempt to rid themselves of their boredom.
“Don’t worry, Colonel!” Aziminil had beamed. “I’ll go out get them again for you! I’m sure they haven’t sunk that far!” She began taking off her shoes.
“No, Aziminil,” Colonel sighed. “Please just… don’t, right now?”
“No, no,” River smiled, “please entertain us! Go ahead and go get them! I promise you they’ll be easy to get!”
Knowing that River’s promises usually weren’t very reliable, Colonel lunged at Aziminil as she began climbing the edge of the boat wall. “DON’T! Please, dear god, don’t jump off the boat! River, Aniko, please stop throwing our food overboard, and stop trying to use Aziminil and Marigold as ballast!”
River and Aniko, who had been snickering evilly, both sighed dramatically and went back to lying limply on floor.
Of course, thought Marigold, that had been yesterday. Now, Colonel was running in wild circles panicking, and River and Aniko were rubbing the sleep out of their eyes.
“Cool!” Aniko said, finally with some happy feeling in her voice as the ship slowly floated closer. “Adventure!”
“No, no, no, no! This is bad!” Colonel was flapping his hands up and down. “That’s a pirate ship! We’re gonna get captured by pirates! We’re gonna get tortured for information! We’re gonna be thrown off the boat! We’re gonna drown and die!”
“Colonel,” River cocked an eyebrow, “what information would they want to torture out of us? We’re random sailers. They probably just want all our supplies.”
“That’s equally bad!” Colonel squeaked. “We’re only on the ninth day of travel! If they take all our food, we’ll spend the next five days dying of starvation and dehydration!”
Aziminil laughed. “Silly Colonel! We’re surrounded by water!”
Colonel Popcorn just sunk to the ground.
“Look!” Marigold pointed, “They’re putting another lil’ boat on the water! I wonder if it’s the baby boat!”
“Hey, there’re people getting it!” River craned her neck to see. “Aaaand, they’re sailing over here.”
“What’d ya expect them to do? Go diving?” Aniko threw her hands up.
“Hey! I’m just stating what’s happening!”
“Well, we can all clearly see it!”
“Not Colonel! He’s moaning on the floor!”
Colonel shushed them violently. “We need to hide! Or escape!” he said in place of their bickering.
Aniko shook her head. “We don’t have another escape boat, or really any room below deck except our storage room and sleeping quarters.”
“Good riddance to that cramped space,” River griped. “If we’re gonna be kidnapped by pirates, at least I won’t have to sleep in a hammock again. Of course, this probably means I’ll be sleeping on a cramped floor, so I guess this isn’t much better.”
“NONE OF YOU ARE HELPING!!” Colonel wailed.
“Okay, okay. You’re right,” River sighed. “Let’s just go ahead and get our weapons ready so we can ambush them. I mean, we might be on the water, but that doesn’t mean we’re sitting ducks!”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Aniko said with an incredulous look. “Ducks don’t sit on ocean water!”
“I was just trying to lighten the mood with a joke! It wasn’t perfect, but–“
“Yeah, you’re right, it was nowhere near perfect! It was horrible!”
“Well, you don’t have to be such a jerk about it!”
“Uh, yes I–“
“Hey, guys,” a voice from behind said, “Sorry to interrupt, but I’m gonna need you to put your hands up.”
Slowly turning, the group came face to face with the small boat that had rowed out to meet them. There, a woman stood with her foot up on the bow, two hand crossbows pointed directly at them. “Now,” she said more forcefully.
Colonel promptly threw his hands up into the air. River and Aniko exchanged glances, their argument forgotten in the face of impending death, and they too slowly put their hands above their heads. Aziminil and Marigold, who had been balancing on the bow of their boat, stopped their dance and put theirs up as well.
“Well, that’s better, isn’t it?” The woman had fiery red-orange hair pulled back into a ponytail, two strands dangling by her face with beads at the end. A large brown hat adorned her pale and freckled face, and her voice was loose from frequent laughter. Behind her stood three other faces.
One of the other people, a shirtless man with a short black ponytail, said, “Здравствуйте! Кто-нибудь из вас понимает меня?”
“Uh,” Colonel looked nervously over at River and Aniko. “Excuse me, sir?”
With Colonel’s words, the man’s face fell into one of deep disappointment. “Ах, кого я шучу? Это был уже длинный выстрел,” the man said, looking at his feet.
“I-Is he talking to me?” Colonel asked the red haired woman, who was still pointing her weapons at them.
“Nah,” she shook her head. “Sorry, Spoons,” she said looking toward the man.
“No one can understand him,” a horrible nasal voice came from behind Spoons. Another man, with dark brown hair pulled back in a bun and two horns sticking forward from his forehead, popped up from behind the two already standing there. “It would be tragic if I cared.”
“It is sad, Salty,” the red haired woman said with a sneer. “Spoons is my best friend and I can barely communicate with him!”
“Well, I’m sorry that I just don’t care, Annie!”
“That’s Pistol Annie, and as your superior officer, you’ll do well to remember that!”
“Crew!” a gruff voice from behind Salty sounded. “Let’s stop the bickering and get these people on board!” A stout dwarf with a bucket on the end of a peg leg strode forward, pushing past Salty.
“Scurvy, do we have to take them on board? Why are we even taking prisoners?” Salty moaned from behind him.
“Salty, I’ve told you a million times, Barnacle Bill wants to take them as prisoners instead of killing them in cold blood.”
“But Barnacle Bill isn’t here right now!”
“He’s threatening to not clean the ship off if we don’t take ’em. Plus, I’m a man of my word, so stop complaining unless you want to help Black Molly in the kitchens for the next week.”
Salty paled and went quiet. “Pistol Annie,” Scurvy said, “hand cuff ’em and take them on the boat.”
Sighing dramatically, Annie turned to the party. “Okay, let’s put those hands behind your backs now, or I’ll kill ya.”
Marigold squinted at Pistol Annie as she came forward. “You look familiar,” she said. Pistol Annie, who clearly didn’t really care about what Marigold was saying, started pulling hand cuffs from her bag.
“Hold on!”Marigold snapped her head up, “That’s who you look like! The Wendy’s sign!”
Now it was Pistol Annie’s face that paled. Glancing quickly behind her to see if any of her crew mates had heard (they hadn’t), she turned back to Marigold. “Nonsense!” she said with force, clapping the cuffs onto Marigold’s wrists harder than she had done to Aziminil. “Ow!” Marigold cried. “Y’know,” she added as an afterthought, “you seem to be harboring some deep secrets that you’d do well to get off your chest. I’m a therapist, y’know! If you ever require my assis–“
Pistol Annie shoved Marigold forward toward her boat, making her stumble. “While I appreciate the comment on my mental health,” Annie began sarcastically, “I’m gonna have to pass that offer up! But I’ll make sure to remember your nosiness when I’m deciding the fate of your life.”
“How rude!” Marigold sniffed to Aziminil, who was sitting next to her on the edge of the boat.
Aziminil nodded her head knowingly.
Soon, River, Aniko, and Colonel Popcorn had joined the pair. Everyone sat with their backs to nearest side of the ocean, staring awkwardly at the pirate crew in front of them. The pirates had raided their ship for any worthwhile supplies and were now sitting amongst a pile of their plundered belongings. Having also searched the party for any weapons or other objects of value, Pistol Annie and Spoons were now having a mock sword fight with Aziminil and River’s rapiers while Salty was counting their newly acquired gold, sorting it into piles for separate people.
Colonel, who was silently hyperventilating, stared fixedly at some unknown point on the water’s horizon. River recognized the signs of a particularly bad panic attack, but were unable to do anything about it. Eventually, the crew’s small boat pulled up to the much larger mother boat. A ladder was dropped down, and the pirates forced the party onboard, crossbows pointed at their backs.
As Marigold climbed over the lip of the boat and clambered onto the deck, a wide array of faces greeted her eyes. First and foremost, a man with a huge, sweeping hat that signified him as captain stood a couple feet away from her. He had a huge sort-of-maroon coat that matched his hat and long sleek black hair that fell just below his shoulders. To Marigold, he looked strikingly like Captain Hook in the flesh, but with a kinder, more sincere face.
As the rest of the group came upon the deck, the man’s face brightened when Pistol Annie boarded the boat.
“Annie!” he called, genuinely happily.
“Why, Derick!” Pistol Annie replied, with what looked like a slightly forced smile. She moved forward and kissed his cheek lightly. “Meet the new prisoners!” she gestured toward the assembled party.
Colonel was shaking violently, but Marigold took no notice, as she was gazing around in wonderment. Another six people stood clustered behind Derick, plus-
“KITTY!” Aziminil shrieked happily, looking at the feet of Spoons, who had moved to Annie’s side. The black feline looked up indifferently at Aziminil before sauntering off.
“Aw, no, kitty! Come baaaack!”
“Hello, esteemed guests!” Derrick strode forth toward them.
“Uh, Captain Derick,” Scurvy moved forward and whispered something in his ear. Derrick reddened. Stuttering, he corrected himself and said instead, “U-Uh, hello and w-welcome, uh, prisoners!”
Aniko and River stared at him. Colonel had his eyes closed.
“Well, if you’re not gonna answer, that’s fine, but we’re gonna destroy your ship now,” Derrick nodded.
River and Aniko’s eyes widened. A small, pitiful sob escaped Colonel’s lips.
“Annie!” Derrick pointed his finger in the air, “Ballista!”
Grinning widely, Pistol Annie rushed to the edge of the boat where a huge cannon-looking-thing sat. Swinging herself into the seat of it, she twisted it around to face the party’s boat. Not even pausing to stop the machine from twisting around 360 degrees, she pulled the trigger and a huge flaming spear came rushing out of the ballista, hitting its mark with complete accuracy.
Colonel Popcorn, River, Aniko, Aziminil, and Marigold all watched their boat go up in flames. Colonel fell to knees, slumping against the ship wall.
Pistol Annie spun the rest of the way around and hopped out with a happy smile.
“Take the prisoners down to the bri– Oh! Is your friend there alright?” Derrick looked down at Colonel.
River stared accusingly at him. “You just burned our whole boat to ashes,” she finally said, “so he might be feeling a little down.”
Derrick, looking crestfallen, finished his order, pointing toward a door on the other side of the deck.
Pistol Annie pulled her two crossbows out again and raised her eyebrow at them, jerking her head toward their destination.
“C’mon, Colonel,” Aziminil said happily, nudging his fallen form.
The group was lead by Annie past the faces of the crew. Marigold caught glimpses of them, but was trying to look at everything at once and therefore missing most of it. She saw a woman with thick black hair and an expression that normally inhabited River’s face. She saw a small blue goblin with a parrot on her shoulder. A big, burly man covered in tattoos. A larger man with no hair and a kind face. And then a dark, narrow hallway leading to stairs which lead to another hallway. Walking toward the right, the group were steered toward a heavy door with a massive padlock. Forcing the key into the lock like it had murdered her parents, Pistol Annie thrust the door open wide so they could enter. Colonel went in, followed by Aniko, then Aziminil, then Marigold. River, who was coming up from behind, was pushed violently in by Pistol Annie, causing her to stumble and fall on the floor.
Pistol Annie slammed the door shut with a violent force, and the sounds of her receding steps filled the silence.
“Are you okay, River?” Aniko’s voice called out from the darkness. The light from the hallway bled through into their cell only slightly, turning everyone into strange abstract shapes and disembodied voices.
River, who’s face had mashed into the floor, struggled to sit up, handicapped by her restrained hands. “I’m fine,” she said, once in an upright position. “How’re you, Colonel?”
Colonel Popcorn had forced himself into the corner where he was rocking back and forth. “We’re gonna all die alone in here,” was all he said in reply.
River scooted over to him. “Nah,” she shook her head, “we’ll get out of here somehow.”
Colonel just kept shaking back and forth, so silence fell over the party.
Suddenly, a small “click” noise fractured the still air, followed by a “clunk” as River tossed her handcuffs aside. “What a puny lock,” she scoffed. “Someone give me their hands, I’ll break ’em out.”
Freeing everyone, River turned to massive metal door. Peering closer, she gave a sigh and slumped her shoulders.
“This door doesn’t have a lock or handle on the inside,” she said, turning back to her group. “Once you close the door from here, you can’t get out unless you blow it down or someone lets you out. None of which is likely to happen,” she added as an afterthought.
Colonel gave a weak moan from his corner and curled to a tighter ball. Aniko slammed her fist into the wall, and Aziminil and Marigold’s faces both fell.
River returned to her spot, curling her knees underneath her. It was chilly in the cell from the cold stone floor, and she wrapped her shawl tighter around her shoulders. No one really had anything to say.
Eventually, River heard Colonel’s panicked breaths subside into longer waves. At least one of us is asleep, she thought. The boat rocked with the lapping of the waves, eventually luring River into a sleep of her own.
Marigold felt River slump over slightly, her muscles relaxing with the peace of sleep. While Marigold felt as though she probably should rest as well, she was too hyper to do so. Aziminil, who had been bouncing up and down lightly next to her for some time was now snoring ever so quietly, as if she had been asleep the whole time. Marigold couldn’t tell if Aniko was awake or not, but even if she was, Aniko never talked to her anyway.
She began a game of rocking back and forth with the boat with each wave. She closed her heavy eyes and kept rocking till she didn’t even have to move to rock. She simply let the rolling waves take her where she needed to go.
Suddenly, waves lurched her forward with a violent motion, and she was sent flying into the wall. The force yanked her out of her sleep quickly, and she opened her eyes to see that she had slammed into the wall to her left, smashing Aziminil against the wall with her.
Another wave rolled her the other way, and she crashed into River’s side, causing them both to collapse onto Colonel.
“Wha?” she mumbled sleepily.
River pushed herself away from Colonel, then pushed Marigold off her. “What’re you doing?” she said, rubbing sleep from her eyes.
The boat lurched the other way, sending them all toppling into Aniko. Everyone was awake by this point, all of them trying to disentangle themselves from each other.
“Ow! Aziminil, get your scarf off my face!”
“Hey, move!”
“You’re choking me!”
“River, move that way!”
“You move! You’re on top of me!”
“What?! I–“
Suddenly, in the midst of their turmoil, the massive door slammed open and light spilled into their prison. The woman with black hair that Marigold had spied earlier stood framing the light. Holding a lantern up she said in a deep, upset voice, “Get up! Get up! We’re moving!”
“Who’re you?” Aniko called accusingly.
“Does that matter now?”
“Yes!”
She glared at Aniko pointedly, and through her clenched teeth, she said “Black Molly.”
“Like, from your hair?” Marigold asked.
Black Molly just glared at her.
“Oooh!” Aziminil bounced up happily, “are you a chef? Cause you have an apron!”
“Yes, now let’s go!”
“Why?” Colonel said, pushing himself away from Aziminil, who had just flown into him.
“We need the extra hands! There’s a storm and we’ve already got two injured men from flying debris!”
“What?!” Colonel squeaked, incredulous. “We don’t know anything about boats!”
“Well, ya gotta learn, quickly! Cause if you don’t, we’re all gonna die!”
Creators PotatoCat and SquirrelHat would like to apologize for the possibly horrible Russian translations used for Spoons’s dialogue. However, since they both don’t known Russian, they were forced to used an online translating site and have no idea if it’s accurate or not. Thank you!


Writing done by PotatoCat. Editing done by SquirrelHat. Art drawn by PotatoCat and colored by SquirrelHat.